Wandering Heart
by Andiefan
Summary: Pacey's life with Joey gets turned upside down when he meets Andie again. Pacey's choice effects everyone he cares for and once again propels Joey back to Dawson.


**Wandering Heart**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Dawson's Creek. **

**Coupling: Pacey/Andie **

**Rating: PG-13 **

**Shout Outs: To my friend Jo for proofing and to ellasblues for her encouragement. **

**Summary: This is set after the finale. This first part is mostly Pacey's stream of consciousness. **

**_Chapter One: The end of something twisted_**.

Pacey stood in the apartment he shared with Joey looking out of the window trying to work out how events had conspired to bring him to this point in time and in this place with the decision he had to make. No, correction he had made his mind up now all he had to do was to tell her.

It had come to him that he was in the wrong place and with the wrong person only a month ago. Being with Joey in Chris's apartment, Pacey had to laugh at the situation. Joey Potter always managed to land on her feet. She rejected Chris's unmade offer of marriage dumped him yet still managed to wind up with his apartment. Poor Chris, Pacey thought, he would never know what he had done wrong apart from loving Joey and wanting to marry her. Pacey could sympathise, he had been in the same position.

It had hit him when they were on the phone talking to Dawson after the pivotal episode of _The Creek_ like a tonne of bricks. He felt an all-too-familiar feeling in his soul. This was truly a twisted situation. Here he was in love with the girl that was the supposed soulmate of the creator and producer of _The Creek_ which was, for all intents and purposes, a recreation of their teenage years in Capeside. The relationship they now had with Dawson only reinforced in Pacey's mind the unhealthy situation he was in. Joey was oblivious to it all. The only complaints he had were about her portrayal on the show. In fact, she got off pretty lightly Pacey thought. If Dawson had been more true to life, the Sam aka Joey character would have come off less sympathetically. And although he never said it out loud, he had never liked the way Andie was portrayed. She wasn't as whiny or neurotic as Dawson made her. She had more love, more heart, more compassion and strength than Dawson ever acknowledged.

He had looked at Joey quietly reading and realised that it was her needs that he was fulfilling and not their shared needs. She'd won in the end. It was junior year all over again. Dawson was right Joey did end up with what she wanted. She got him and Dawson as her brother/friend/soulmate whatever – it depended on her mood what role Dawson would have this week.

And Dawson, poor Dawson, what a sad life he must really have. For all the money he was making for the network and himself; he was still lonely and clearly not over Joey. Sure he had dated occasionally, but the women all seemed to bear a striking resemblance to Joey. God, it was that night again. Dawson finds out about them and immediately Joey ends it without a second thought to his feelings. He should have never let her come. She'd only come because Dawson made her go. It wasn't him that made her choose to sail away in spite of what she said; it would never be just about him. Dawson would always play a part in their love either as a cheerleader or encourager or the one who gave his sanction.

He missed Jen. That was awful for her to die so young and to leave Amy behind. At least Doug and Jack were happy. How funny it was really. After all these years a Witter and McPhee did end up together. Now that's irony Alanis.

And she entered his mind as she so often did these days. He signed, just whispering her name: Andie. She had been so beautiful when she arrived to see Jen, so confident, so focused and so strong. She was not the girl he first fell in love with. Andie had always said he was her first love but it was exactly the same for him. He'd loved her so deeply that the fact he could resurrect these feelings so easily long after they were together surprised him. As he got older the high drama seemed to recede. He was wrong to expect her undying loyalty. They were sixteen and most teenage romances have a lifespan about the same as a fruit fly. Wasn't it odd that of their little group, it would be his privilege to be Andie's and Joey's first while Jen performed the same task for Dawson?

He thought back to the summer Andie was in hospital. Looking back now he had come to the conclusion that if he had been the one to leave he was pretty sure that he may have done what Andie had done. He stopped blaming her long ago once he realised he wasn't without sin. He had coffee with her in the hospital cafeteria. That perky girl was still there but there was also a woman at ease with herself and the life she had made. How appropriate that Andie was going to be a psychiatrist. She had told him that she wanted to help girls just like her so that they never cheated on their perfect boyfriend. He laughed but he knew that she was only slightly joking.

He'd had a wonderful afternoon with her in Boston one weekend when Joey had to leave town for a book promotion. He'd gone up to Capeside and checked in with Doug & Jack, visited his parents, said hello to Gale and Lily and visited the B&B. He'd then called Andie and they met on Sunday for lunch. A lunch turned into a very long lunch come dinner. They were so comfortable with each other. The more and more he talked to her he felt worse and worse about his situation with Joey. He chose not to tell Andie about the emails and calls he's come across.

He had been working on the computer in the apartment when he noticed that Joey have left her mail account open. He wasn't sure what made him do it but he clicked on the tab and the screen popped up. She saw there was a reply to an email that Joey had sent Dawson.

_Joey,_

_You know that I still love you. I wish that you were with me here. You were always a great producer and the money's better than you get in New York. Are you sure that Pacey would move with you to LA?_

_Love_

_Dawson._

Pacey then scanned her folders and found a conversation that had been developing along similar lines. It then occurred to him that Joey was already planning to move and he'd be given no option but to follow her. But instead of trying to run the Icehouse from a distance and be the executive chef for the hotel chain based in New York he would now be forced to give both up. His investors in the Icehouse were already unhappy because of him leaving for New York to be with Joey. He was only able to get up to Capeside once a month and the takings and covers were down from when he was there. Steve was an excellent manager but as Pacey sadly reflected, he didn't have the same commitment to the restaurant as Pacey had.

He was not going to move. Again he reflected that it would be a case of Joey getting her way. She didn't even think for a moment if he could leave, or if he would even want to leave. It was all about her needs and Dawson's. He was shocked to see that Dawson for all his talk still hadn't gotten over Joey. This situation, his life had become twisted so badly that he needed out to get right away.

It was then he thought about his relationship with Joey and it hit him straight between the eyes with absolute clarity the source of his insecurity towards Joey. He was always expecting Joey to reaffirm Dawson's approval for them as a couple. Joey had only made a decision when Dawson had told her to go, and it a way she was still doing it. Even now, with everything that happened, and all the time had passed, he was still back there on the dock the night Dawson had found out about them. Hating himself, hating the fact he had lost his best friend and the fact that Joey so easily threw his love away when things got tough. Somehow she made it all about her. It was as if they placed pressure on her but in fact when he looked back it was all about her indecision. He saw it clearly that no matter what happened it was that emotional baggage that Joey was never without that would be the thing that ultimately drove them apart. Her heart would ever be wandering between him and Dawson. How long would it be before she ran from him to Dawson? That was the thing that stung the most. He was always looking over his shoulder for any threats to his relationship with Joey and he didn't want to live like that any more. It had been the complete opposite with Andie. He never had to check for threats from another supposed soulmate. There weren't any.

Pacey tried to work out at what point would a disagreement mean that she would seek his arms for comfort and justification. How could Dawson ever be neutral? That would just perfect where he was concerned; with a sobbing Joey on his doorstep and the chance to play the hero again. Yet Dawson was no hero and Pacey realised that neither was he. That dogged white-knight complex of his had gotten him into more trouble that he cared to remember. The problem with heroes was Pacey thought, that the person you saved had to be perfect too. If they had any flaw or acted badly then it shattered any feelings you held for that person and you then set off once more to seek another someone to save. It would have been different he reflected, if Andie had not needed to be saved, maybe they would have had more time together.

She came flooding back into his mind again. He remembered the conversation at the graduation party. He was so glad he saw her that night. She was the only one that he told were he was going. She had been the only one he had told that he was leaving Capeside for to move in with Joey. She had been so supportive and was always there with genuine concern and friendship. She told him once that almost OD'ing on ecstasy was the best thing that ever happened to her. It gave her the chance to leave Capeside, put distance between her and the past, get away from the triangle and just be herself without anyone judging her or reminding her of the past. But the only thing she ever truly missed was him. She said that he had crossed her mind many times and that on occasion she would reach for him. She said that fountains always made her think of the first kiss and that dance in the moonlight and as she said, Italy's got a lot of fountains.

Italy was where she had found her structure and purpose and she came back to Harvard ready to achieve her goals. For her they were getting closer all the time. She thrived in the stress-filled environment at Massachusetts General. She had flown through the early part of her training and was rewarded with glowing assessments. It allowed her to pick psychiatry as her specialty. When he asked her what she would do after she finished medical school, Andie was sure that she would move to somewhere that was small but not too small, where she could practice and spend the rest of her days and build a solid life for herself and that someone special. A place where they would raise children and have the normal family she always desired.

It sounded like perfection to Pacey. Now he was twenty-five, he thought about being a dad, what it would mean and what kind of father he would be. He knew that he wouldn't be like his father. No that was too mild. He was determined not to be his father. From what Andie and his parents had said, Doug was an excellent father to Amy. He had to laugh. Poor Doug, all those time he had teased him about his sexuality and now he wouldn't trade Doug for anyone. That was the thing about growing older he thought, you got perspective on your life and the things that seemed so important when they were seventeen, now seemed so facile, so unimportant he wondered why they ever expended any energy on them.

He looked at his watch, she was late, and somehow that fit with what he would say. True love. How he hated those words now. True love had cost him so much and he had it once, but never realised it with the right person. He thought he had found it but now knew that true love would never occur with another person in the equation giving his seal of approval. Perhaps that was his problem in a nutshell. He thought that he could achieve true love with Joey but it was Joey that could never feel true love. And now we're back to the central problem again he thought. I can lie to myself, even try to deny it, ignore it and live in hope, but there is always a third person in my relationship with Joey – Dawson. There's always that little voice that waits for his ok. Why did he waste so much time on Dawson's feelings? At that time in Capeside he and the others had circled Dawson as if he was the sun. He was so self-involved that he expected if as of right. It was always about how it would effect him, how he would react.

That was the reason he broke up with Joey. That and the fact she would act like a princess and she had lied to him. Andie had cheated on him, but she never lied to him, she never put another person's feelings ahead of his. What made things worse was the time they had spent on _True Love. _It was an idyllic life that couldn't stand the reality of Capeside. Joey always thought they were on that boat sailing away from everything and not towards something. He'd always accused Dawson of rejecting reality only to see himself reject it as well and for Joey to fail to realise that the fantasy life would only last that one magic summer.

It was his only regret, about the first time he and Joey were a couple. That awful and very public break-up at the Senior Prom still made him wince with embarrassment and shame. Of all the places for a prom it had to be on a boat so there was no way they could leave. He was never sure why he hadn't just gone over the side and swum home. The things he said that night were cruel and not the things he needed to say. And it stung him. It wasn't the fact that he had broken up with Joey, but that he had used a reason that had nothing whatsoever to do with the reality. He'd been repaid in kind during Joey's sophomore year at Worthington. He wanted so much to be a couple again and he let himself get hurt so badly. He didn't think that she meant to lead him on, but that rejection was just as harsh as his. It had taken him so long to get over it only to fall back in love when she came back for Jen.

I miss Jen he thought. She had been the only one of the Capeside group he never had any romantic entanglement with. She was perceptive and forthright. He needed that now. He needed to know this was the right thing to do.

And then she appeared in the doorway. He hadn't heard her come into the apartment. She noticed his bags on the floor.

"Hey, Pacey. Are you going somewhere?" She pointed to his bags. It was not like him to take more than one small carryon for the trips out of town.

Hey Joey". He turned from the window and walked towards her.

"Um...you want to sit down? We need to talk.

Joey's face froze as she processed the words.

"Pacey? What's happening?" She had no idea what was happening but all her senses told her that it was not going to be good news.

He guided her onto the couch and sat down.

His face became hard and his blue eyes blazed with controlled fury. This would take all of his self control to get through this. Joey didn't miss the serious of his expression.

"Pacey? What is it?"

"I'm sorry Jo that I am not enough for you

"What do you mean?" She couldn't understand what he was saying. _Where was this coming from?_ She wondered.

"I know what you want to do and all I can say is you should take that chance. Go out to LA and help Dawson produce."

Joey's eyes widened with surprise. "How did you know? You've been snooping around my emails?"

"You should make a point of closing your inbox Joey, how else did I know. Oh, and by the way, when were you thinking of telling me?"

"Telling you what Pacey?"

"What do you think Jo, going to LA?

"I don't want to...how dare you read my emails?

"Why not? I thought as a couple we wouldn't keep secrets Joey. Or have you changed the rules again?

"Pacey, how can you? Why are you so angry?"

"Joey he still loves you and don't you tell me that doesn't make you feel something – I have no idea what but it is twisted Joey, fricking twisted and unhealthy, and I am sick of it!" He was shouting now.

Joey, felt caught out and shocked at the same time. She tried to say something but all that came out was a series of unintelligible noises.

"Joey, I've packed my things and I'm going home to Capeside. I'll leave my key with the doorman. Anything I don't take is yours. I've left you a cheque for the bills."

"But Pacey..." Joey reached out to him as he stood.

"I'm sorry Joey. I always thought it was true love and so did you. But we were just lying to ourselves. And I don't want to lie anymore. I want someone to love that isn't a supposed soulmate, who doesn't need someone else's approval to make a decision on love. I can't be with you Joey because...huh...I was right, I always end up hating myself. And I'm not doing that anymore. "

He stood and walked to the door taking his bags with him. He turned back to face her.

"I better make the train station. I want you to know that I'll always love you but I'm never going to be in love with you. One day soon you will understand why this had to happen. Joey, it's about real love not true love. True love is just a dream Joey, a fantasy. We had that fantasy that one amazing summer Joey but that doesn't translate back into the real world. Goodbye Joey..."

Joey made an effort to follow him but she was stunned into silence and inaction as she watched him leave.

It took a few moments for the reality of the situation to hit home. For the first time in her life, Joey was totally alone. What Pacey hadn't seen in her emails was a message that Dawson had sent her telling her he had found a girl that made him truly happy. And yes, he still loved Joey and always would, but he loved this girl for all the right reasons.

Pacey dragging his two overstuffed bags to the entry got the doorman to hail a cab for him to take him to the train station. He didn't look back, it was time to look forward to something, and not be a trophy in some draining triangle.

As the cab made its way through the city, he pulled out his mobile and hit the speedail.

"Hello, Andie McPhee speaking"

"Hey McPhee, are you free this weekend?

"Pacey! As a matter of fact I am. Why? "

"It's a long story. How about I pick you up outside your place about nine on Saturday morning? We'll go and have brunch at that place we found. "

"Sure. What's this all about Pacey? "

"I'll tell you all about when I see you McPhee"

"Okay then, see you at nine Pacey."

"See you then McPhee."

Pacey hit the off button and smiled for the first time that day. And quietly he said "And I know for certain that I am in love with you McPhee, I always have been and I always will."

It would take time. Joey would move on because she would always land on her feet. That might be rationalising things a wee bit but it comforted him. But he knew that he and Andie would survive because they would get through together. They would find that small town and build a life for themselves and they would be great parents. And he would find real love. And happy, he would be happy, truly madly deeply happy. And his heart would cease to wander.

Pacey looked out the window on the darkening streets. A man could get used to happiness he thought with the right woman.

He laughed as the taxi went on into the night and away from Joey and towards Andie.


End file.
